Are you a defensive dater? Do you know any “jaded” singles who are not even willing to put themselves “out there” due to their intense fear of being hurt?
During my interview with Dating Coach and Psychologist Dr. Jennifer Oikle, PhD I learned more than I ever expected to learn about today’s dating game.
I must admit that for some reason this post has been the most difficult one to write out of all my posts so far. And, it’s the first post I’ve put off writing for days. Maybe I have a little fear when it comes to dating too.
Dr. Oikle started off by comparing defensive skiing or horse riding to dating: “When you are defensive, you are actually more apt to hurt yourself because you are paralyzed with fear and then crash.” In terms of dating, this means:
1. Expecting our needs not to be met.
2. Going into the relationship or situation with fear.
→In turn, we create the outcome we fear.
Most people battle between wanting a relationship and being so afraid of what will happen in a relationship. Therefore, when they date they end up getting a little bit of both: not all their needs are met and they are afraid.
Part 1: Where’s your Love Faucet?
She clarified this idea by comparing it to a water faucet. “When the faucet is 100% on, we allow desire and love to come in. When the faucet is off, we have closed ourselves out from letting an ideal partner in. Many times, people will leave their ‘faucet’ only 50% on, which means they will attract a partner who is also only 50% on and part of their fears of being cheated on, left or not being liked are probable in that state.”
According to Dr. Oikle, the good news is that we can see where our “love faucet” is and take control of it rather than be the victim of someone else.
Part 2: Get Good at Knowing Where your Faucet Is.
In order to monitor where we are when it comes to letting love in, we must be aware of our thoughts and energy. Dr. Oikle says to pay attention to your throat, chest and stomach to guide you. They should feel light, not tight or stressed.
Next, she suggested to stop concerning yourself with what others are doing, “focus on what you are giving out, not what you are getting in the relationship.” Apparently when we focus on giving love and kindness (even to a stranger, co-worker, friend, etc) we are changing the vibe we send out from “lack to love” and will receive love back.
How many times have you come home to your partner to ask “What’s wrong? Something feels off.” What you are probably feeling is their “love faucet” being closed, which in turn makes YOU act closed and defensive. The night is probably not going to be very fun. When someone comes home sending out a positive vibe with their attitude and smile, your partner can definitely feel that and will be more apt to hug you, compliment you, share stories about their day, and show you they love you.
Part 3: Transparent Dating
In order to attract someone like you, you must put it all out there: your authentic self and what you want. Change your perspective from “danger to curiosity.” In other words, step back and trust. Understand that everything is happening for a reason.
Think back to an x of yours who totally broke your heart or breached your trust. Ok, ouch. Now think about where you are today. At the time the saga unfolds, you feel like the world is ending and you will never be able to trust or love anyone again. Now looking back, you thank God every day that you did not continue dating that person. It all happened for a reason, and you wouldn’t be where you are today without it.
If you choose to stay stuck in fear or anger though, it will be almost impossible for you to step back into love. “Learn something from what happened, and then turn back to gratitude,” says Dr. Oikle.
As I’m writing this I realize my love faucet has been off lately. I’m glad that I have the power to turn it back on and let good things flow back into my life and relationship.
Thanks a million to Dr. Jennifer Oikle for all of this awesome dating information! For more dating tips, check out her blog or follow her journey of coaching a single to find their soulmate. Dr. Oikle is also launching a membership site in January where you can get individual coaching at www.mysoulmatesolution.com. For quick advice, follow her on Twitter at TheDatingDr.